How Tina Knowles Empowered the MATRIARCH in Me

"Matriarch” is my latest Audible listen (combined with turning actual pages of a book, so to take notes). Tina Beyoncé Knowles’ bold testimony about her multi-storied ongoing life journey both audibly and in print affirmed my own road as a mother and wife, and she sets in stone the truth that while women can fulfill, we also deserve to be fulfilled. Not since Maya Angelou’s “Heart of a Woman” have I cried so deeply about another woman’s episodic-like life experiences simply because I felt the writer spoke about me and spoke to me. Maya Angelou reminded us that our crowns have been “bought and paid for”; Tina Knowles declares that Black women do not need permission to be happy.

What struck me immediately about “Matriarch” is how candid the story is from the first page. Ms. Tina welcomes her four daughters, Beyoncé, Solange, Kelly, and Angie, to introduce us to her by expressing their gratitude for her influence in their lives. After each woman proclaims, her words of affirmation remain in our minds and hearts, interweaving with the statement that follows, like a tapestry. This metaphoric tapestry floats over the entirety of the story; a constant reminder as we travel along about whom so much of Ms. Tina’s journey was for.

Beginning with a first chapter that pays homage to her childhood nickname, “Tenie B”, Ms. Tina digs deep into her ancestral roots, carefully spreading her family history on the table like the best Sunday meal. She invites us into her childhood home, where her parents created a life for her and her 6 older siblings using love, grit, sweat, and pride for their Louisiana Creole heritage while raising a robust family in Galveston, Texas. Ms. Tina’s family was large with an eclectic cast of characters who influenced her upbringing; it was as if she lived in her own Lackawanna Blues environment, except there were more children around, and most all those around her derived from the same gene pool. We learn right away that Ms. Tina comes from humble, hardworking people with strong, priceless values. This set the stage for readers to understand the foundation that defined how she navigated her life.

When we think of Tina Knowles, our minds right away conjure up images of Destiny’s Child, Beyoncé, and Solange. We muse about the beautiful, no-nonsense mother whose presence was felt more by what she did rather than what she said. For years, as requested by her girls, Ms. Tina was the sole designer and producer of the ensembles worn for stage and appearances for them, responsible for the entire image for much of her daughters’ careers. Though the business negotiating was mainly left for her then husband, Mathew, there was always something about Ms. Tina that expressed she was no shrinking violet. An almost paralyzing anxiety that often dominated her mother, that prevented her from showing up for Ms. Tina when she needed her as a child, compelled a young Tina to learn to stand up for herself. Painful memories of being mishandled by the nuns at her elementary school or being defiled by racist healthcare providers as a young teen had been seared in her mind. The child, Celestine, or “Tina,” understood nuance and knew instinctively that the treatment was unfair, and her mom’s inability to advocate for her only drove Ms. Tina to evolve into a resolute, resilient, and principled girl. As an adult, Ms. Tina modeled that strong sense of agency for her children. Her girls, who ¾ of them are music dynamos today, belt out songs like “Survivor”, “Who Run the World”, and “Don’t Touch My Hair.” The Honey Crisp apples do not fall far from the tree.

I cried when Ms. Tina described her brother Skip’s torment and abuse by the police. I cried for how and when she learned that her father could not read. Testifying to both heavy experiences, her voice was slightly shaky, yet protective. Her delicate retelling of these incidents allows us to understand that although she was the youngest of 7 children, emotionally, Ms. Tina took care of everyone.

She took care of everyone: The family she created, her parents and other family members, her favorite cousin and best friend, Johnny, and even his hospital neighbor, as they were both dying from complications of AIDS. If I were in her orbit back then and witnessed the way Ms. Tina, without fear, took the time to be with Johnny, eschewing anyone’s misinformed criticisms about contracting the disease, I would have run and told my family about the lady at the hospital who was not scared to be with her family as members of my family, when dealing with my beloved Uncle Jeffrey who also died of AIDS when I was 13, led their physical contact with him not as secure. When Johnny’s hospital mate was so delusional from his illness he thought Ms. Tina was his mother, she assumed the role for that moment to bring him joy. This selfless act gave me hope that there might have been someone who stood in the gap for Uncle Jeffrey if he felt lonely in hospice care. As a young adult living in New York City, I used to donate to the GMHC (Gay Men’s Health Crisis) and design homemade place mats that I mailed back to them to be distributed ahead of Thanksgiving for patients who had AIDS. Patrons were asked to make the place mats fun and write personal messages of hope for these men who might be dying alone. I looked forward to doing this each year and always thought of Uncle Jeffrey. Ms. Tina’s support for Johnny’s roommate comforted me.

I also found comfort in that Ms. Tina is all about healing and moving on. She candidly shared about the ‘at times’ complicated relationship she had with her mom, to the extent of mistreatment she endured for years by her ex-husband. Each time, despite how hurtful or agonizing, she was intent on alleviating stress and operating from a space that benefited the greater good. At the same time, Ms. Tina was a Mama Bear and took control when necessary to keep her daughters balanced, hook or crook. Ms. Tina helmed a successful hair salon while she shuffled 3 girls to 3 different schools and navigated school challenges and pivots – all with the sounds of master melodic storytellers and inspirations like Sade, Angela Bofill, Luther Vandross, and Phyllis Hyman as her musical backdrop. Somehow, she found a way to be in the minutiae of details for her daughters’ learning and had her share of uncomfortable conversations to advocate for her girls in ways that her mom could not do for her. She took care of business for her daughters and made sure they had what they needed- all while maintaining work morale at her salon. I celebrate and appreciate the ‘Not playingness” of Ms. Tina Knowles.

One of my favorite quotes Ms. Tina offers to us readers is from her Cousin Linda, who advised, “Being a woman is a difficult task since it consists principally with dealing with men.” Ms. Tina endured a lot throughout her sagacious relationship with Mathew. It might have taken her some time to fully free herself, but in the meantime, she did not wallow in sorrow; she was busy planning her moves towards autonomy.

I think about Ms. Tina’s mom dying when she was 26 years old, and my mother dying when I was 27. Neither of us was blessed to witness our mothers hold our daughters when they were born, but like Ms. Tina, I have kept my mother’s spirit so alive that my daughters speak of her as though they knew her. Ms. Tina’s daughters have such reverence for the grandmother that they also never got to touch and feel that Beyoncé named her beloved clothing brand, House of Deréon, after her.

Before marriage and children, Ms. Tina was living her life out loud, making good on the promise to herself to move to California. She worked her way through to Los Angeles, where she experienced brushes with fame like selling cosmetics to Tina Turner, not knowing that years later, she would be engaging the elder Ms. Tina when Ms. Tina’s oldest daughter, Beyoncé, was invited to perform with the music legend. Ms. Tina soon returned home to care for her mom, which led to her starting a family, and after her mom passed away, Ms. Tina embodied the role of Matriarch not only in name, but with action. She held up her girls, dealt with a tumultuous marriage for decades, balanced her business’s ups and downs, made more than one residence a home, and supported her daughters’ dreams. It’s the fine details behind the scenes that for years, people did not know that did it for me: Ms. Tina once cut out pieces of her own hair to perfect a hair “look” for Beyoncé, she convinced Pras from the iconic music group, The Fugees, to donate his camouflage pants to outfit Kelly for Destiny’s Child's “Survivor” video, she encouraged the girls to tithe to the church with their first big checks, kept uneasiness at bay so her ex-husband could build a relationship with Beyoncé and Solange despite Mathew and Ms. Tina’s estrangement, and earlier on, she initiated engaging her daughters in therapy so Solange was protected and understood the road her big sister was embarking on with her career. When Solange started her own family at an early age, Ms. Tina stood beside her daughter and also got behind Solange so she could carve out space for her own brilliant career journey.

Ms. Tina modeled for the girls how to operate using teamwork and to show up for themselves and each other. When, during a memorable performance, Beyonce pushed through the mistake of being given two left shoes, yet, still pulling off an extraordinary performance without a hitch or a complaint, all I thought was, “She is Tina Knowles’ baby.” When Solange found a way to make room in her work schedule to show up in the middle of the ocean by helicopter for her big sister’s surprise 40th birthday, I thought the same thing. From Beyonce’s multiple stellar albums and businesses, Solange’s global, multi-hyphenate artistic calling and entrepreneurship, Kelly’s growing and glowing repertoire of work, and Angie, who we may not see in the front all the time, but something tells me, she is most definitely “Ms. Tina’s niece”- a strategic brain behind the scenes, Ms. Tina has told and demonstrated for these women since they were babies and little girls how to BE. She did not hold back in showing them some of the not-so-pretty parts of her life so they would be prepared and ready to endure future storms of their own. For the most part, though her family does one helluva job at keeping their personal business personal (unless they are being smartly calculating to reverse a skewed public perspective about their lives), what we have witnessed is a special group of women who do not ‘play about’ each other or themselves. The sisterhood is real and alive. Tina Knowles has consistently served as a rock for her family and her girls, yet the few times when she has expressed vulnerability, her girls were right there to help save her day, holding her hand through her “big C” diagnosis, and all climbing in bed to watch “Set it Off” as a reminder about all of their fearlessness. This mentality- each of them dropping everything to be there for one another in a crisis or major moment of joy-was learned behavior from Ms. Tina.

Tina Knowles’ memoir is over 400 pages, and a lengthy listen to, but when the page count left to read was thinning and the Audible time code that remained was merely multiple minutes, I began to mourn the fact that this part of her shared journey was nearing an end. I loved listening to Ms. Tina’s voice as she read her very conversational memoir that makes a reader feel like she is sitting on your sofa, telling you her truth. She goes through a spectrum of emotions, not holding back tears or jolts of excitement when the story calls for it. All the lives she has led- having the courage to release herself not once, but twice, from marriages that were not soul-fulfilling, to taking her “life modeling” one step further and welcoming in a broader group of young people to benefit from her wisdom through Tina’s Angels, I remain in awe.

All my adult life, I have held a deep reverence for only one mother in show business: Diana Ross. She has been my singular inspiration for women who, though they became a mother and wife, still hold on to a strong sense of self, ambition, and drive for their career callings. Diana Ross was a very public figure, yet made it a priority to be a good mom first. She was iconic both on stage and at home. Tina Knowles is the second “public” mom who has been transparent enough about her motherhood journey and professional career to inspire me with high admiration. Between Diana Ross and Tina Knowles, I know I can excel at both.

How I am so grateful that Ms. Tina decided to share her story with the world. She is a mom, an aunt, and even a grandmother, yet has the energy of a super fun big sister. She, like her daughter Solange, is a multi-hyphenate of many disciplines. She is a proud woman who lives her very full life with no regrets.  Each chance she got, she gave it her best shot, then took a deep breath. Unapologetic, driven from her gut with intent, without hesitation, and getting things done before anyone had time to criticize or put a wedge in positive forward motion were integral to Ms. Tina's motivation. The word "contrived" had no place in the space, as a Matriarch moves with the current, not against it, even if it is difficult. Adversity and/or failure were taken as lessons to do better the next time, not taken as cues to quit. I feel a tremendous sense of encouragement and have heightened agency because Ms. Tina gave us all a playbook about how to remain true to ourselves and to those whom we love and raise. Her life journey thus far, in my opinion, makes up the quintessential ingredients for what Dr. Maya Angelou would call “A phenomenal woman.”